There are mornings that I wake up and I just feel empty. It’s only been about a year since I finally mustered up enough self esteem to agree to my very first date. As of today I’ve been on more first dates than I can even remember and 80% of them ended with the guy trying to persuade me to have sex with him. One in particular ended in sexual assault. I get it now. How people who are victims in these situations are so hush hush. You feel so much shame after something like that happens to you. But why? You weren’t the one that did anything wrong. Not every body is strong enough to defend themselves in these scenarios. Guys are strong and when they have you pinned down you’ve lost complete control and you feel so helpless. He can do whatever he wants to you at that point. It’s the scariest feeling to know that no matter how much you scream and try to get away, that you can’t. You’re stuck. All you can do is yell and hope to God he realizes what he’s doing and stops. I was lucky. He stopped probably just a few seconds before he would have raped me. Lucky enough to have not been raped but I still suffered through other forms of sexual assault inflicted by him. I went home and my jeans were ripped and I was bleeding. It’s been a few months now. I should have told someone sooner. I should have reported him. But I was ashamed to have to explain how I got myself into that situation. But wait… I never got myself into that situation. He put me in that situation. That was his fault. He attacked me and for what reason? “You’re just so sexy, I can’t help myself.” Is that a good enough reason to disregard the fact that I said no? That I had to scream and beg for you to stop. I shouldn’t have been ashamed. I was a victim of assault and I should have spoken up. That was my only mistake.
I want a relationship that’s just like super cool friendship with like kissing
My mind is a scary place right now, but my actions are what’s really terrifying.